With the winter meetings over, and only one meaningful acquisition to address the gaping hole in the rotation, I came across the following on, and

We have an urgent need for a strong and durable team player to become a vital part of our staff. Your tenacious attitude, desire to win at all costs, and willingness to toil in the Midwest will make you a qualified candidate. In addition, you must not have a prior history of inflammation of the suck and must be patient and good-spirited each time we fail to win.

We will review high performers who have been recently laid off due to medical rehab but prefer someone who is still driven enough to last over the next 4-5 years in a high pressure environment. Those employed by other teams must have clearance from that team before applying.”

Qualifications include:

  • Prior major league experience
  • Able to perform at a high peak in the face of overall malfunction
  • Must be a proven team player even through times of stress and disappointment
  • Able to last a minimum of 6 innings
  • Willing to accept ignorant and excessive booing with little or no emotion
  • Able to withstand miscues from other team members and still meet objectives
  • Able to bring more cohesiveness to your assigned staff and lead by example
  • Make a commitment longer than one year.
  • Demonstrate a sincere and dedicated attitude by waiving no-trade to Milwaukee clause.
  • Must be willing to travel extensively during the summer

We offer excellent benefits including staying at luxury hotels, first class transportation and a lavish expense policy. No dress code required.

We will conduct a thorough medical examination including screening for prior cases of inflammation of the suck.

Compensation is commensurate with experience unless you are represented by Scott Boras.

Relo will be covered.

All qualified applicants’ agents should contact Mr. Doug Melvin, Executive Vice President and General Manager of the Milwaukee Brewers. Include a performance video.

Hopefully, Brandon Webb, Zach Greinke or Matt Garza will apply, but I doubt it.

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